Battleship Movie Review
Battleship comes in a long tradition of boring, meaningless, cynical money-grubbing marketing plans that has been Hollywood’s bread-&-butter for the better part of 15 years. But, there is something especially stupid about THIS particular film. There is something specifically callous & shallow about THIS one that makes it worst than the other sh*tty films it wants so desperately to emulate. Think of it like this: it’s a Michael Bay film MINUS anything that makes Bay’s films tolerable.
Let that sink in.
This is worst than Transformers 2… What I believe to be the absolute worst Michael Bay film, a film so bad, it had me seriously questioning my existence on this planet. Battleship is an even lesser movie, so unrepentantly stupid, so mind-boggling in its ineptitude in storytelling AND visceral action, that it almost feels like film executive wiped their ass with film prints, and released that as a film.. For you to pay your hard-earned money to see. The moral of this paragraph is this: THIS MOVIE IS SH*T.
Where to start with this thing… So, we follow a “character” (if you can even call him that) named Alex Hooper (Taylor Kitsch). He is a complete burnout, apparently brilliant, but lacking in motivation. He is in the Navy along with his brother (Alexander Skarsgard), who dislike Alex’s daredevil antics. He wants to get married to his girlfriend (Brooklyn Decker), but first must meet the approval of her hard-nosed father (Liam Neeson). Unfortunately, Alex’s behavior makes him a constant thorn in the side of everyone. Meanwhile, scientists are trying to communicate with a planet a lot like our own, so they send a signal. In response, aliens come back, and f*ck sh*t up. Now, Alex is put in the uncomfortable position of being a leader, and taking the attack to the aliens.
Oh, and Rihanna shoots a mini-gun, and spouts embarrassing dialogue.
Every single inch of this movie feels like it was pumped out of a machine. It’s essentially Top Gun, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, etc. It’s every big action movie cliché EVER. What’s insulting about this particular case is that its so CARELESSLY thrown together, and loosely held together by more bullsh*t. There are story inconsistencies, massive gaping lapses of logic, and plot holes; BUT there is no “fun” or “entertainment” to distract from those plotholes.
Has there ever been dumb movies with these kinds of lapses in logic? Yeah. Just last year, Mission: Impossible 4, Fast Five, etc. What made those movies work despite that? Constant entertainment to distract from obvious flaws. Those movies aren’t perfect, but they had character dynamics unique to those particularly films, they had a storyline, they had original ideas, etc. The script for “Battleship” was written by these two guys named Jon Hoeber & Erich Hoeber, which might be just a front for the studio executives who pumped this script out like a bowl of gruel… Bland, colorless, and disgusting in every f*cking way imaginable. I said this film was “sh*t”, but even that may be too kind to a movie as unbelievably lazy as this film.
The performances across the board are all f*cking terrible. Rihanna needs to never f*cking act again. It’s also worth noting that these filmmakers pulled an “Act of Valor”, and used some real military soldiers as actors. Except… man, I talked a lot of trash about Act of Valor, but honestly I take it all back because the guys in this film all f*cking SUCK ASS. The one that is front-&-center is this big dude who has two prosthetic legs because his actual legs were blown off in the line of duty. He spends most of the movie hiking with Brooklyn Decker, spouting sh*tty lines about nothing… This is until he has a one-on-one fistfight with an alien.
I sh*t you not.
Hey! Guess what? The aliens are bullsh*t too! The movie pulls the old cliché in which the aliens will be unbeatable for most of the film… Up until the final battle, in which it must be required for our good guys to win. The design of the aliens themselves look like a mix of turtles, and hipsters with ironic facial hair. The film is so inconsistent with these aliens, at some point, you learn of the big goal these aliens had to come to Earth. But, never a reason “why”. Then, they kill a bunch of people, but for some reason, they won’t kill others when it’s convenient for the film.
Which brings me to my next topic: the visual effects. The visuals range from either that of a video game, or that of a sh*tty video game. Make of that what you will.
And, because this is a movie based on a board game, they have to find someone to crowbar in the actual game into the movie. And, they use it in a way that is so not exciting. This whole movie is just about as exciting as watching two old people play Battleship in their retirement home.
How exciting.
There is so SO much to complain about with this movie. But, really the biggest thing is that this really spells out to me the death of film, the death of storytelling. This movie is made to do nothing more than make cynical people some money off of us, the viewers. This film is unbelievable in its laziness, unrepentant in its stupidity, and is devoid of any sense of “fun” or “excitement” or “action” or “anything this type of film should be”. My expectations were at the bottom. And, it went depths below that. We have so many films that will never get the audience or the resources that this film has. And, for what?
Nothing.
F*ck this movie. And, if any of you watch this and like this, I will never ever consider a word you have to say about film seriously ever again.
