Short Review of Resident Evil: Retribution
The Resident Evil film franchise is a strange one, because they are very VERY surreal, and seem exclusively focused on people shooting things while other things explode around them… all while wearing skin-tight leather. These are not movies about stories, or characters. They’re about being “cool”. These movies are the equivalent to some gay goth kid’s sketchbook found in a time capsule of the 90′s.
And, so we have Resident Evil: Retribution (a subtitle that makes no f*cking sense). In the neverending quest to stop the Umbrella Corporation from… well sh*t, I don’t know. If you can decipher a story from this bullsh*t, more power to you, because I can’t f*cking do it. I guess it’s about “Alice” trying to once & for all bring down the Umbrella Corporation with the help of friends who were long-thought to be dead but are apparently cloned!! Number one, this might have some of the worst acting of the year. Everyone is so f*cking bad in this, it’s a wonder these people even made it past community college drama class. Secondly, this movie is so f*cking monotonous. At some point, the gunfire dulls into white noise, and the action becomes boring. Now, the action could become interesting & involving if the characters had… ANY meat to them. But, they don’t. They are faceless/soulless/emotionless avatars that the audience must project their own personalities onto in order for anyone to give a flying f*ck.
The 3D is good, but it’s used in service of stupid gimmicky 3D tricks. One could make the argument that this is a popcorn movie. No, you know what’s a popcorn movie? The Avengers? Fast Five? Bad Boys 2? THOSE are movies with a story, with characters, with personality alongside action. As it stands, Resident Evil: Retribution can barely be called a “movie”. It’s just loud stupid action that blurs into a brilliant shade of grey by the halfway point. Honestly, you could push a grand piano down a flight of stairs, close your eyes, and you’d get the same effect as watching this f*cking atrocious piece of garbage.
